Joseph and Haman Pass the Marshmallow Test

In 1972, psychologist  Walter Mischel of Standford ran his famous “marshmallow” experiment, a study on delayed gratification.

In this study, children were offered a choice between one small but immediate reward, or two small rewards if they waited. Each child was left alone in a room with a single marshmallow for about 15 minutes. If they could prevent themselves from eating it, they would receive an extra marshmallow (or pretzel stick). In follow-up studies, the researchers found that children who were able to wait longer for the preferred rewards tended to have better life outcomes overall, more successful careers etc.

This question, of being able to delay gratification, arises in the lives of two interrelated biblical characters. In Hebrew the verb להתאפק le-hitapek means to forcefully control oneself and to hold back from impulsive action. Its appearance in the Tanach is fairly rare.

The first time we find it is in the Joseph narrative. After so many years in Egypt, away from his family, Joseph is now faced with the situation that his brothers have come to find food. He is able to play his role as an Egyptian viceroy when his ten brothers first make their appearance, to put on a poker face and speak harshly to them; but when they come a second time bringing his brother Benjamin with them – his only brother from his mother Rachel, who he last saw when Benjamin was a child – we are told (Gen 43:30-31):

29. And he lifted up his eyes, and saw his brother Benjamin, his mother’s son, and said, Is this your younger brother, of whom you spoke to me? And he said, God be gracious to you, my son. 30. And Joseph made haste; for his bowels did yearn upon his brother; and he sought where to weep; and he entered into his chamber, and wept there.

31. And he washed his face, and went out, and controlled himself, and said, “Set on bread.”

Joseph holds back all that he is by feeling for another length of time, because he has to put in motion a plan to force the brothers into a place of repentance and growth. But finally, in Gen 45:1:

1. Then Joseph could not hold himself back before all those who stood by him; and he cried, Cause every man to go out from me. And there stood no man with him, while Joseph made himself known to his brothers. 2. And he wept aloud; and the Egyptians and the house of Pharaoh heard.

Who is the second figure? None other than Haman. We find in Esther 5:10 that Haman, full of ire against Mordechai who stubbornly refused to stand and bow to him, Haman “controlled himself” and only when he came home did he allow himself to give vent to his feelings before his wife and his advisors.

Haman is the enemy of all the Jews, but in particular, the line of Rachel’s sons, meaning Joseph and Benjamin, are in the frontline of the battle against Haman and his ancestor Amalek. We see this in the commandment of King Saul (from the tribe of Benajmin) to kill Agag, Haman’s ancestor. Then, in the scroll of Esther, Mordechai and Esther, likewise of the tribe of Benjamin, are given the opportunity to fix this mistake of their ancestor Saul, and to do away with the epitome of evil.

Joseph does not face an Amalekite, per se. But the book of Esther is strongly connected to the Joseph narrative, by means of various themes and textual phrases. This connection creates the bridge for us to place Joseph and Haman side by side. Thus we observe that both Joseph and Haman reign themselves in, and then, when the time is right, let their feelings out. But what different feelings! Joseph has had to hold back his love for his younger brother, his desire to know if his father is still alive, and the words of peace and forgiveness with which he wants to shower his brothers. Haman has had to hold back his rage, hatred, frustration and dissatisfaction.

Returning to the marshmallow test. We understand that both Joseph and Haman would have passed the test; and, just as the self-restraining children of 1972 did, they saw success in their careers – both rose to the position of second-in-command of a global superpower. But what the marshmallow test does not indicate is whether this ability to hold back will end up being used for uplifting and moral ends or for nefarious purposes. Both heroes and sociopaths can, it seems, bide their time.

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Postscript 1:

A third biblical character by whom the root להתאפק appears is none other than King Saul. This cannot be a coincidence (I Samuel 13): 

11. And Samuel said, What have you done? And Saul said, Because I saw that the people were scattering from me, and that you came not within the days appointed, and that the Philistines gathered themselves together at Michmash;

12. Therefore said I, The Philistines will come down now upon me to Gilgal, and I have not made supplication to the Lord; I forced myself therefore, and offered a burnt offering.

This error, of making an offering himself instead of waiting for Samuel, costs Saul his kingdom. The interesting thing is that though the word ויתאפק generally means holding back from action, here he does the opposite, he actually forces himself to take action at a time when he should have kept still. He does not delay gratification but rather the opposite, he forces himself into action. And this costs him his success.

It is so interesting to me that the very same word is used here, to mean practically the opposite thing, and that this story is about King Saul, who is connected to both Joseph and Mordechai/Haman. I feel as if there is more to explore here.

Postcript 2

Joseph’s holding back becomes even more admirable in light of the fact that the Joseph spiritual-psychological trait is also at times the opposite of delay –  they come first, before everyone else.

Sometimes this is for the good: Joseph is the first to go down to Egypt, setting in motion G-d’s plan; Messiah son of Joseph is the harbinger.

Other times, it is with dire consequences: see the midrash telling of the Ephraimites’ premature and fatal exit from Egypt, and the fact that the ma’apilim, the people pushing to go to the Promised Land, may have included Zelofchad of the tribe of Menashe… (and they were killed by Amalekites, by the way.)